A Visit From Bernie Sanders Ends in T-Shirt


Tele: Hi Bernie, welcome to the show. I just want to start out by saying there’s a whole lot of veteran love out there for you. For one, we love the hair. It’s chaos upstairs, reason coming out the mouth. You never wore a uniform but you get us, you get our issues, you care about us…

Bernie: Actually, I did serve. Three tours. That’s how I got this crick, here, in my neck. I was a door gunner in the Hindenburg…

Tele: Whoops, my bad. Your Wikipedia needs updating. Anyway, whether you served or not isn’t the point. Plenty of douchebags have worn the uniform. The point is that you voted NO against the invasion of Iraq. At a time when all your colleagues in the Senate were stumbling over themselves to be the first to vote YES. Why?

Bernie: The justification wasn’t there. You think I’m going to deal lightly with the lives of our servicemen and women? You think I’m going to set myself apart from the blood in their veins when I deliberate over the justifications for war? You know what the justifications for war with Iraq were? A bunch of questionable, shady and shitty intelligence from questionable, shitty and shady sources. We had the Chief of Staff telling us that Saddam was brewing up chemical weapons in the basement of his own palace—right next to the ping pong table. It was absurd. A litany of unsubstantiated assertions wasn’t enough for me. Where was the actual evidence of a nuclear program? Where was the actual evidence of a chemical program? They wanted us to go to war on the idea that the weapons of mass destruction were probably there–since where else could they be? Not good enough for me.

Tele: At the time you voted No, did you recognize this was an unpopular position?

Bernie: Yes.

Tele:  Did your colleagues try and convince you to change your mind?

Bernie: Of course. And I tried desperately to change their minds.

Tele: They were comfortable with the shitty and shady evidence?

Bernie: They didn’t want to appear weak, unpatriotic.

Tele: And you?

Bernie: I don’t give a damn if I appear weak and unpatriotic if it means voting against an unjust and unjustified war.

Tele: Fierce. So it says here you’re running for president.

Bernie: Are you sitting in for the person who is supposed to be interviewing me? Or are you the actual interviewer?

Tele: Give me a minute. This says you’re from Vermont. Do you ski?

Bernie: Okay, I’m done here.

Tele: Umm, before you go, can I get one of them t-shirts? You know, with just the hair and glasses?

Bernie: Help yourself.

Tele: Thanks. You got one with just the hair? Cause that would be awesome.